Negative Experiences are a Part of Life

A Japanese university experimented to see how people socially share their experiences when they see images that evoke unpleasant feelings. When participants were left alone in a waiting room with a friend after seeing the unpleasant images, 95.3% of them told their friends about the images. Even when they were told not to disclose, 53% of them ended up talking about their experience a week later. Our desire to share bad experiences with others is so strong, and we struggle to keep it to ourselves.

In clinical psychology, verbalization of emotions is believed to have a cathartic effect that removes anxiety and tensions. Verbalizing emotions is also linked to better mental health, as it has significant implications for depression recovery. People seem to derive these effects from “cognitive” and “interpersonal” aspects of this behavior, which we will discuss below.

Emotional Support Stabilizes Our Feelings

Tough times can make us feel frustrated and anxious. When these experiences occur, our trust, self-image, perception of others, and the world can be shaken. We all desire to sort out what happened, why it happened, and know what kind of social support we can get. When there’s something out of our control, we feel the need to discuss it with peers so that we can restore our faith again. Receiving the emotional support from our peers makes us feel better about the mistakes we made. These are the “cognitive” reasons we vent our feelings to others.

Staying Connected to Society

When we’re upset, we tend to focus on ourselves and our negative experiences. As a result, we tend to forget about the rest of the world. We try to recover from the loneliness we experience during these times by sharing our negative experiences with friends and family. Our desire to communicate stems from wanting society to know how we’re feeling and to feel accepted through emotional support. This is the “interpersonal” reason why we talk about painful things.

Do We Want to Share Our Embarrassment?

It’s not rare to share the little embarrassing things that we experience. Like when we mess up during a presentation or trip on a flat surface. A Japanese university set to find out if and when students would talk to others about their saddest, angriest, and most embarrassing experiences. Researchers expected results to show that participants seldom shared their embarrassing experiences. However, 71.4 % of participants claimed to share their most embarrassing experiences with others. Also, more than half shared their experience almost immediately after it happened.

Everybody Shares Their Feelings with Others

Sharing feelings is part of our universal behavior. A social study of shared emotional behavior across six countries, including Belgium and Suriname, found no differences by country, age, or gender, in the way that humans shared emotions. Talking about embarrassing or upsetting occurrences seems to be a common phenomenon for men and women of all ages and backgrounds worldwide.

Nevertheless, it can be somewhat stressful for a listener to hear someone’s negative experience, as well as to provide undivided emotional support. It’s wiser to spread your venting among several people rather than dumping everything onto just one person.

Sharing difficult or embarrassing experiences is natural. We should always support our circle of family and friends to help each other get through these experiences.

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Reference:
Kawase, T. (2000). Why We Talk About Our Emotions: Why Do People Talk About Negative Emotions to Others? Bulletin of Miyazaki Municipal University Faculty of Humanities 7(1), 135-149.

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Express Yourself Through Assertiveness Training

How can we learn to be more assertive? Sure, Assertiveness Training can help eliminate our uneasy feelings towards being assertive while increasing our self-esteem. But first, what exactly is “assertiveness”?
Borrowing from a study on assertiveness training, it’s defined as the following:

It’s about, “valuing one’s feelings and expressing one’s thoughts honestly and openly in an appropriate way,” while “communicating in a mutually respectful manner”.

Reference: The Effectiveness of Assertion Training on Self-Promotional Difficulties – Incorporating Workshops to Talk About “Your Preferences”

In other words, it’s about properly expressing our feelings and opinions. People who are not used to being assertive tend to feel uneasy or resistant when they have to be assertive in certain situations. However, in a society expected to become more and more focused on the abilities of individuals, assertiveness is an indispensable skill.

Not the Same as Being Pushy

Does assertiveness mean that we say what we want to say? Not quite. The key is to value our opinions, but at the same time accept and respect the other’s opinion as much as your own. For example, when there’s a disagreement with someone, imposing your side of the argument on the other or compromising to avoid arguments will not result in a constructive discussion. The goal in assertiveness training should be for both parties to accept each other’s opinions without fear of disagreement, thus arriving at a third answer.

Easy Assertiveness Training: Speak Your Preferences

Now, what exactly does Assertiveness Training look like in action? An easy and low-resistance method is practicing to talk about one’s “preferences”. This has shown to reduce difficulty with assertiveness.

In an experiment with job-hunting college students, a workshop was held once a week for five weeks, where participants were encouraged to talk about their own preferences (anything from the food they like, hobbies, activities, dislikes, etc.). Through this workshop, their difficulty with self-assertion improved compared to before the experiment.

Throughout this workshop, participants trained to express themselves by sharing their preferences. In addition, participants were encouraged to listen and accept the opinions of others while they shared their preferences. This resulted in participants feeling comfortable to “say whatever they wanted”, thus alleviated their discomfort with self-assertion.

If the subject matter of the training is centered around an issue within an institution or a social theme, we’re likely to feel more pressured to make meaningful participation in the discussion. But what if the theme was “personal preferences?” We can talk about our interests without thinking too hard, so it’s easier to feel relaxed and express who you really are.

A Lack of Confidence is Not a Personal Issue

This article introduced the Assertiveness Training method of “sharing our preferences”. One thing to remember when implementing this training is that “assertion” assumes equal respect for your opinion and the opinions of others.

A lack of assertiveness or self-confidence can be seen as a personal issue. Oftentimes an individual is told, “you should speak up more,” or “why don’t you share your opinions?” But first, it is important to create a place in the group where the individual feels safe and secure, and where they can be accepted no matter what they say.

On the other hand, voicing our preferences is relatively easy to do, even when practiced alone. It’s helpful to talk to friends and family about each other’s likes and dislikes. Be careful not to get too caught up in talking about ourselves while neglecting listening to others. If you’re not comfortable with that, try using social networking sites to communicate your preferences first. It’s not the same as talking in person, but if you want to get used to expressing yourself in your own way, social networking sites may be a good place to start practicing.

→ Looking to improve your mental health? Try the SELF MIND app FREE for 1 week!
If you’re looking for more tips on how to care for your mental health, check out some of our past blog posts!

Image：Unsplash
Reference:
Kuboyama, A., & Yoshioka, K. (2015). The Effectiveness of Assertion Training on Self-Promotional Difficulties – Incorporating Workshops to Talk About “Your Preferences”. Fukuoka Prefecture University Journal of Clinical Psychology, (7), 21-30.

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