The Infant Phase

One of the top moments a parent feels stressed is when we don’t understand what their infant is trying to communicate. This is a phase where we also have to deal with our own insecurities and frustrations of not being a pro parent yet.

・Embrace a Child’s Need to Learn From Their Failures

Typically, once an infant can walk, they start making a mess. Sometimes they won’t even listen to what you have to say, and that can be quite frustrating. Oftentimes we try to discipline them right away, but it’s important that we give the child an opportunity to fail and learn on their own.

For example, if your child insists on only wearing a t-shirt in the freezing cold outside, a natural response is to try and teach them to wear a sweater “because they’ll catch a cold.” However, a child that doesn’t understand this will reject the idea. This kind of small rejection leads to frustration for many parents.

When you want to discipline a child, it’s important that they understand the consequences. Instead of telling them what is wrong or right, embrace a child’s failure so that they can learn. In this case, let the child step outside in a t-shirt once so they themselves understand that more layers are needed.

・It’s Okay if You’re Not the “Perfect Parent”

Parents are role models for the children, but that doesn’t mean we all become perfect people once we’re parents. Regardless, we all try to strive for perfection so that we can meet our ideals of what a parent should be. This can cause stress and frustration. It’s important to let go of perfectionism and be okay with not being the “perfect parent.”

Parental demands can be stressful at times. If you’re feeling stressed, ask for help from a partner or family to take some occasional time off. You are your own person before you’re a parent. You should take good care of your mental wellbeing so that you don’t reach a point of boiling frustration.

Remember that you’re on a growth path together with your children and everyone in the family. That should bring a sense of relief.

・Visualize Near-Future Possibilities

No matter how hard we try, there are still unexpected moments where we feel the mental toll of being a parent. If you feel that your frustration might be pointed unfairly towards your partner or child, try to envision the following things:

• He/she is naughty now, but what are the chances that they grow to become someone incredible?
• What would my child be interested in once she/he enters elementary school?
• Would I be able to share the struggles of being a parent once he/she has their own child?

By visualizing a future, you can get away from the present reality for a while and also use the gained motivation to strive forward.

The Child to Teen Phase

The idea of individuality and independence sprouts between the child to teen phase. The parent needs to adapt to the rapid changes that happen during this phase. Otherwise, there will be lots of repetitive clashes that create frustration on both ends.

・Understand That They Are Different From You

Once a child enters elementary school, they become more and more capable of doing things on their own, and individual personalities start to grow.

If you come off as too overbearing during this phase, it will lead to countless arguments and stress. As your child grows, try to grow your own sense of understandings along with them. A healthy acknowledgment, that your child is a different person from you, will create a good sense of mental relief in keeping a healthy relationship.

・Respect Their Individuality

It’s very important to respect a child’s unique individuality.

For example, if a child wants to do other things than study, you might tell them, “Your future happiness depends on how hard you study.” A child may resent the fact that you took away their passion if you stop them forcefully. The rebellious phase is a tricky phase that can easily escalate to lots of arguments and frustrations.

Each person has their own way to value happiness. Even as a parent, you should be very mindful not to push your own values of what happiness means. If you can show respect to the uniqueness that they hold and try to be their support throughout, parenting will become less frustrating.

・Learn How To Better Manage Anger

Anger management is an important tool to self-control the anger that manifests within. If you feel anger arise, the next few actions can help suppress it quickly and effectively.

• Immediately count to 6 on the spot
• Create physical distance between the cause of your anger
• Recall positive memories from the past
• Take a deep breath
• Cook

These are just a few examples of the actions you can take to steer your focus away from anger.

A university study took 4 pairs of parents and asked them to exercise anger management. Results showed that it gave them a rational perspective on their anger and helped curb frustration.

As a child grows, they will become self-aware and disapprove reactionary anger that comes from a parent. The best attitude and practice to have as a parent is to start from within.

Change Your Outlook To Grow Happier Together

If you tend to feel stressed and overwhelmed from the responsibilities of being a parent, all you need is a little shift in your outlook to reduce some of that stress.

It’s also very important that you learn how to take enjoyable breaks through exercise and hobbies. To learn more about ways to relieve parental stress, check out this other post!

Reference：
Matsumoto, M., & Shibayama, K. (2011). Anger Management for Interpersonal Relationship Improvement. Memoirs of the Faculty of Education, Kumamoto University. The Humanities, 60, 153–162. https://ci.nii.ac.jp/naid/110008750850

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The Struggles of A Parent Today

In general, children from elementary to high school are subjected to various stressors as they confront rapid changes in themselves and their environment. This includes developing their own personality, a rebellious stage, developing secondary sexual characteristics, expanding social engagements, and school work. Simultaneously, more people in their 30s and 40s are marrying and having children later in their lives. This can result in a great deal of stress when it requires them to juggle raising children and caring for their aging parents. The 30s and 40s parents are also at their prime working-age, holding many responsibilities at work. This means there’s an increase in parents who feel more stressed from both work and home.

These stressful environments can influence family dynamics. Once a family relationship becomes strained due to stressors, it can lead to various problems such as child neglect, abandonment, or even domestic violence. Each family dynamic is different. There are no absolute cookie-cutter solutions in building or maintaining an excellent parent-child relationship. Although recently, mindfulness is gaining attention for its effectiveness in reducing parenting stress and building healthy parent-child relationships. Let us introduce how mindfulness and parenting can go hand in hand.

What is Mindfulness?

Mindfulness is a concept based on the Buddhist teaching of focusing on the present moment. It’s been widely adopted in the world of psychiatry and business in recent years. The actual technique is called “mindfulness meditation,” a meditation that aims to achieve a constant state of calmness.

In mindfulness, the value lies in “accepting the current state without evaluation or judgment.” This is difficult in practice when it comes to relationships. When someone’s behavior is not in our favor, we subconsciously judge them as “selfish” or “incompatible.” We have a natural tendency to judge others on our personal scale of good or bad. Mindfulness training builds the mental capacity to concentrate on the present moment, allowing a focus on our own feelings instead of judgment towards others. This technique can help us at times a relationship feels stressful and out of our control.

Mindfulness in Parenting

Mindfulness practice is relevant when it comes to parenting. Research report several benefits of mindfulness-based parenting and their effectiveness in improving family relationships.

Parents that focus on their child’s “present” state and behavior can accurately catch small signs, subtle changes in behavior, and even decipher an infant’s words. It also reduces the stress a parent feels when their child’s behavior doesn’t align with their own childhood expectations. The acceptance of the child as who they are, without imposed value judgments, creates a better understanding of the child’s characteristics (personality and abilities) without excessive or unattainable expectations. Accurately perceiving and responding to the child’s needs and emotions reduces the chance of stress we feel from a child’s unexpected behaviors. This also increases self-efficacy (the belief in one’s capabilities to organize and execute the courses of action required to manage situations) in a parent.

Easy Mindfulness Practice for Parents

Even when we understand mindfulness as an effective tool, it can still be a challenge to practice every day. The basics of mindfulness starts with meditation. The word “meditation” has us imagine a setting where we sit in silence with our eyes closed, mind empty. For many, this is a tall order when they’re not too familiar with meditation. The onslaught of first-time experiences also makes it difficult for child-rearing parents to maintain an adequate amount of time for themselves. Moreso if the parent has to balance between work, family, and caring for their elders. Time becomes extremely finite, making it increasingly difficult to meditate.

A common misconception about meditation is that we need time and space to do so, but sitting down and closing our eyes only helps induce a meditative state. What’s more important in mindfulness is to actively control one’s attention. In fact, there are some practices adopted by research and clinical practice that can be more easily incorporated into our daily lives.

Below are some of the easiest ways to practice daily mindfulness.

1. Walking Meditation

Applicable Time: During a daily walk or commute.

How: This meditation technique draws full attention to the action of walking. Stay relaxed and breathe naturally. Begin walking at a slow and deliberate pace. Pay full attention to sensations in the heels and toes leaving the ground, movements of the thigh and calf muscles, and the center shifts in gravity. Pay close attention to the physical conditions and changes that occur within the mundane act of walking. 

Additional Tips: Many thoughts may come up while walking, but don’t try to force clearing the mind. Instead, acknowledge the thought and let it go by returning focus to the steps. Walking meditation is a technique that focuses on deliberate walking, so be sure to do it in a safe place where there’s no concern about traffic accidents.

2. Body Scan

Applicable Time: During work or in between housework.

How: A body scan is done by drawing attention to every detail of the body, from the top of the head to the bottom of the toes. It can be done standing or sitting. Try slow, natural breathing to enhance focus as it’s brought to each part of the body starting at the top downwards- the head, the forehead, the ears, … and so on. 

Additional Tips: Understanding the natural state of your body will help you detect any changes or discomforts—for example, an itchy head or slightly tense shoulders.

3. Mindful Cooking & Eating

Applicable Time: While cooking or eating meals.

How: Cooking and eating is a mindless act we do every day that stimulates various senses. Mindfulness promotes the focus on these five senses, and cooking is a suited process for perceiving the multiple sensations. For example, while cutting a raw carrot with a knife, notice the crunchy texture, the chopping sound as the knife hits the cutting board, or the vivid orange colors cut into various shapes. A recipe can go through changes in smell and texture as the food gets cooked. After the food is prepared, pay careful attention to each bite as you chew the food -the looks, smell, the texture in the mouth. The entire process from preparing to eating can become a meditational practice if we act mindfully through each step.

Additional Tips: Through the entire process, there will be times where we’ll find ourselves distracted. If so, don’t suppress the thoughts. Instead, acknowledge the thoughts and bring the attention back to the present moment. It may seem difficult at first, but daily practice will help achieve a natural control over our state of consciousness no matter what situation we face.

Cherishing the NOW Through Mindful Parenting

A growing child continuously faces new experiences every day. The same goes for a parent too, many things occur throughout a child’s life that is new. Even for an experienced parent of several children, each child is unique. The social environment surrounding the parent and child also changes daily. Not every situation replicates a past experience 100%. New experiences can make us feel anxious and nervous, causing stress to slowly grow.

Under stress, we rely on our past experiences and place high hopes for a brighter future. However, parents should be careful not to evaluate their child using judgments based on past experiences or high expectations for the future. This can lead to frustration and anxiety when things don’t go as planned. As a result, both the parent and child will feel overwhelmed and stressed. Objectively, judgments based on past experiences never guarantee desired results for what’s happening now, just as much as high efforts towards the future doesn’t always ensure success.

We all have different personalities and capabilities, so there’s no point in comparing ourselves to others. The best way to reduce parenting stress is by letting go of the standards we hold from the past, future, or comparisons. Once we implement mindfulness and accept ourselves and our children as who they are “now,” we can start enjoying the process of parenting without stressing over each occurrence of events.

If you’re looking for more tips on how to care for your mental health, check out some of our past blog posts!
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References：

Yoshimasu, K., Oga, H., Kagaya, R., Kitabayashi, M., & Kanaya, Y. (2012). Parent-Child Relationships and Mindfulness. Japanese Journal of Hygiene, 67(1), 27-36. doi: 10.1265/jjh.67.27

Kitagawa, K., & Muto, T. (2013). What is How to Respond to Difficulties in Promoting Mindfulness. Doshisha Clinical Psychology: Therapy and Research 3(1), 41-51. doi: 10.14988/pa.2017.0000013384

The post The Benefits of Mindfulness in Parenting appeared first on SELF MIND.

Common Struggles Among Parents

Researchers asked 312 mothers about stressful aspects in caring for infants. Among the top were:

• General worries of parenting
• Concerns for the children’s environment
• Loss of identity

The pressure the parents feel to raise children can manifest as overwhelming stress. There’s a lot of confusion, especially when taking care of a first-born child.

A former babysitter once said, “When the child is born, a mother is born.” Everyone is a beginner when they start off. We, ourselves, learn through the process of interacting with our children and experience growth together.

As for the concerns for the child’s upbringing environment, much of this has to do with family support, financial situation, and safety. It is vital to form a community network within neighborhoods so that everyone can look out for each other.

Loss of identity is a very real matter for a parent that commits their time to care for a child full-time. Time away from work can make it seem like they’re being left behind by society and some may even have concerns about returning or finding new work after a gap. On the other hand, some feel like they are suddenly seen only as a parent and nothing more. This can cause an illusion as if they’re no longer needed or less of a part of society.

Given the increase in nuclear family households and decrease in general community networks, a parent can easily feel isolated from society nowadays. Some neighborhoods need immediate attention and improvement in their community for families to thrive.

3 Ways to Relieve Parental Stress

1. Seek Support from Someone Close

A survey asked 400 mothers of infants “who they sought support from” and the number one person was the father. Friends and family followed, but the least sought out were experts and government support. Sure, it’s far more assuring to get support from close friends and family, as opposed to experts and government workers that we don’t personally know. In that sense, the support of our parenting partner (whom we’re most close to) is essential.

Partners need to take on a supportive role where the other can ask for help when necessary. The quality of support means a lot for the person who shoulders most of the parental duties.

2. Seek Support from Different Places

Other than family and friends, some seek support from their child’s teachers or the internet. For example, some issues may resolve more productively when we speak to a teacher that understands our child’s behavior and needs at school.

As for the internet, many connect with parental networks online to seek support these days. When the child is still young, it’s easier to feel lonely without the presence of a friend or a partner. On the web, many parents share similar struggles and information to learn about better parenting. In this sense, the internet is an effective means of support.

3. Stress Relief Through Self-Help

Many parents try to brush off their parental stress factors. Make a decision: stop fearing about whether you could go back to work or not, sleep your worries off, or ask family members to babysit for a while to take a break.

This may feel as if you’re compromising, but sometimes the best way to get rid of stress is to not think about it. If you have no one to rely on or feel uncomfortable seeking support, the best way to resolve it may be to shake it off and move on. Learning self-help and coping skills are an excellent way to relieve stress.

Relieve Stress Before It Gets Too Big

Children require constant care and attention until they’re capable of taking care of themselves. We want to solve things right away if a problematic situation occurs, but it’s not always easy. Try not to feel responsible about every single thing and learn to let things go from time to time.

If you feel the need to talk to someone, you can always reach out for support. Concerns over our child, the struggles we feel, and the need to vent are all relevant. Sometimes, just talking to someone can lead to a huge relief.

Relieving stress is more important than trying to solve an issue 100%. Hopefully, we can learn how to better deal with parental stress so that we can live a life full of laughter with our family.

Looking to improve your mental wellbeing? Try the SELF MIND app FREE for 1 week!
If you’re looking for more tips on how to care for your mental health, check out some of our past blog posts!

References：

Kusano, E., & Ono, M. (2010). Influence of Child care-related Stress Associated with Social Factors on Mother’s Mental Health. The Journal of Child Health, 69(1), 53–62. https://www.jschild.med-all.net/Contents/private/cx3child/2010/006901/009/0053-0062.pdf

Shimizu, Y. (2007). A Mother’s Parental Stress : Support, Resolution, Reality, and It’s Relationship. The Journal of Child Health, 66(1), 54–60. https://www.jschild.med-all.net/Contents/private/cx3child/2007/006601/009/0054-0060.pdf

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