The Struggles of A Parent Today

In general, children from elementary to high school are subjected to various stressors as they confront rapid changes in themselves and their environment. This includes developing their own personality, a rebellious stage, developing secondary sexual characteristics, expanding social engagements, and school work. Simultaneously, more people in their 30s and 40s are marrying and having children later in their lives. This can result in a great deal of stress when it requires them to juggle raising children and caring for their aging parents. The 30s and 40s parents are also at their prime working-age, holding many responsibilities at work. This means there’s an increase in parents who feel more stressed from both work and home.

These stressful environments can influence family dynamics. Once a family relationship becomes strained due to stressors, it can lead to various problems such as child neglect, abandonment, or even domestic violence. Each family dynamic is different. There are no absolute cookie-cutter solutions in building or maintaining an excellent parent-child relationship. Although recently, mindfulness is gaining attention for its effectiveness in reducing parenting stress and building healthy parent-child relationships. Let us introduce how mindfulness and parenting can go hand in hand.

What is Mindfulness?

Mindfulness is a concept based on the Buddhist teaching of focusing on the present moment. It’s been widely adopted in the world of psychiatry and business in recent years. The actual technique is called “mindfulness meditation,” a meditation that aims to achieve a constant state of calmness.

In mindfulness, the value lies in “accepting the current state without evaluation or judgment.” This is difficult in practice when it comes to relationships. When someone’s behavior is not in our favor, we subconsciously judge them as “selfish” or “incompatible.” We have a natural tendency to judge others on our personal scale of good or bad. Mindfulness training builds the mental capacity to concentrate on the present moment, allowing a focus on our own feelings instead of judgment towards others. This technique can help us at times a relationship feels stressful and out of our control.

Mindfulness in Parenting

Mindfulness practice is relevant when it comes to parenting. Research report several benefits of mindfulness-based parenting and their effectiveness in improving family relationships.

Parents that focus on their child’s “present” state and behavior can accurately catch small signs, subtle changes in behavior, and even decipher an infant’s words. It also reduces the stress a parent feels when their child’s behavior doesn’t align with their own childhood expectations. The acceptance of the child as who they are, without imposed value judgments, creates a better understanding of the child’s characteristics (personality and abilities) without excessive or unattainable expectations. Accurately perceiving and responding to the child’s needs and emotions reduces the chance of stress we feel from a child’s unexpected behaviors. This also increases self-efficacy (the belief in one’s capabilities to organize and execute the courses of action required to manage situations) in a parent.

Easy Mindfulness Practice for Parents

Even when we understand mindfulness as an effective tool, it can still be a challenge to practice every day. The basics of mindfulness starts with meditation. The word “meditation” has us imagine a setting where we sit in silence with our eyes closed, mind empty. For many, this is a tall order when they’re not too familiar with meditation. The onslaught of first-time experiences also makes it difficult for child-rearing parents to maintain an adequate amount of time for themselves. Moreso if the parent has to balance between work, family, and caring for their elders. Time becomes extremely finite, making it increasingly difficult to meditate.

A common misconception about meditation is that we need time and space to do so, but sitting down and closing our eyes only helps induce a meditative state. What’s more important in mindfulness is to actively control one’s attention. In fact, there are some practices adopted by research and clinical practice that can be more easily incorporated into our daily lives.

Below are some of the easiest ways to practice daily mindfulness.

1. Walking Meditation

Applicable Time: During a daily walk or commute.

How: This meditation technique draws full attention to the action of walking. Stay relaxed and breathe naturally. Begin walking at a slow and deliberate pace. Pay full attention to sensations in the heels and toes leaving the ground, movements of the thigh and calf muscles, and the center shifts in gravity. Pay close attention to the physical conditions and changes that occur within the mundane act of walking. 

Additional Tips: Many thoughts may come up while walking, but don’t try to force clearing the mind. Instead, acknowledge the thought and let it go by returning focus to the steps. Walking meditation is a technique that focuses on deliberate walking, so be sure to do it in a safe place where there’s no concern about traffic accidents.

2. Body Scan

Applicable Time: During work or in between housework.

How: A body scan is done by drawing attention to every detail of the body, from the top of the head to the bottom of the toes. It can be done standing or sitting. Try slow, natural breathing to enhance focus as it’s brought to each part of the body starting at the top downwards- the head, the forehead, the ears, … and so on. 

Additional Tips: Understanding the natural state of your body will help you detect any changes or discomforts—for example, an itchy head or slightly tense shoulders.

3. Mindful Cooking & Eating

Applicable Time: While cooking or eating meals.

How: Cooking and eating is a mindless act we do every day that stimulates various senses. Mindfulness promotes the focus on these five senses, and cooking is a suited process for perceiving the multiple sensations. For example, while cutting a raw carrot with a knife, notice the crunchy texture, the chopping sound as the knife hits the cutting board, or the vivid orange colors cut into various shapes. A recipe can go through changes in smell and texture as the food gets cooked. After the food is prepared, pay careful attention to each bite as you chew the food -the looks, smell, the texture in the mouth. The entire process from preparing to eating can become a meditational practice if we act mindfully through each step.

Additional Tips: Through the entire process, there will be times where we’ll find ourselves distracted. If so, don’t suppress the thoughts. Instead, acknowledge the thoughts and bring the attention back to the present moment. It may seem difficult at first, but daily practice will help achieve a natural control over our state of consciousness no matter what situation we face.

Cherishing the NOW Through Mindful Parenting

A growing child continuously faces new experiences every day. The same goes for a parent too, many things occur throughout a child’s life that is new. Even for an experienced parent of several children, each child is unique. The social environment surrounding the parent and child also changes daily. Not every situation replicates a past experience 100%. New experiences can make us feel anxious and nervous, causing stress to slowly grow.

Under stress, we rely on our past experiences and place high hopes for a brighter future. However, parents should be careful not to evaluate their child using judgments based on past experiences or high expectations for the future. This can lead to frustration and anxiety when things don’t go as planned. As a result, both the parent and child will feel overwhelmed and stressed. Objectively, judgments based on past experiences never guarantee desired results for what’s happening now, just as much as high efforts towards the future doesn’t always ensure success.

We all have different personalities and capabilities, so there’s no point in comparing ourselves to others. The best way to reduce parenting stress is by letting go of the standards we hold from the past, future, or comparisons. Once we implement mindfulness and accept ourselves and our children as who they are “now,” we can start enjoying the process of parenting without stressing over each occurrence of events.

If you’re looking for more tips on how to care for your mental health, check out some of our past blog posts!
→ Looking to improve your mental health? Try the SELFMIND app FREE for a week!

References：

Yoshimasu, K., Oga, H., Kagaya, R., Kitabayashi, M., & Kanaya, Y. (2012). Parent-Child Relationships and Mindfulness. Japanese Journal of Hygiene, 67(1), 27-36. doi: 10.1265/jjh.67.27

Kitagawa, K., & Muto, T. (2013). What is How to Respond to Difficulties in Promoting Mindfulness. Doshisha Clinical Psychology: Therapy and Research 3(1), 41-51. doi: 10.14988/pa.2017.0000013384

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4 Ways to Cope Through Stress Relief Humor

Humor is a word with a diverse concept that can be viewed in a myriad of ways.

Humor is an elusive and multifaceted concept that includes wit, laughter, joking, comedy, kidding, teasing, clowning, mimicking, satire, and freak enjoyment of the imperfect.

Robinson, V.M. (1978), University of Manchester

Humor, the capacity to express or perceive what’s funny, is both a source of entertainment and a means of coping with difficult or awkward situations and stressful events.

Martin, A. (2006), University of Western Ontario

As described by experts in the field above, humor refers to expression and communication we regard as funny or amusing. Furthermore, if we delve deeper, humor can be classified into four main categories: aggressive humor, affiliative humor, self-defeating humor, and self-enhancing humor. Each of these types of humor plays a different role in our coping mechanism.

1. Aggressive Humor

Aggressive humor is typically aimed towards others, primarily through sarcasm and teasing. This category of humor may also include tongue-in-cheek, satire, dark humor, and ridicule, all of which have cathartic effects or induce a sense of superiority. While it can come off as negative because it attacks or slanders others, it can definitely work if there’s a strong psychological bond. To someone close, it could send an indirect message that says, “I feel close enough to make fun of you”. This can actually be comforting, especially to a good friend. Of course, depending on how and when you use this type of humor, it may hurt others, so proceed with caution.

2. Affiliative Humor

Affiliative humor refers to puns, wordplay, and other forms of humor that are mainly playful and trivial. Humor can be playful when the motivation is to create a jovial atmosphere, entertain, or when the subject stays light-hearted. Affiliative humor can effectively lighten the mood when we need a change. Unlike aggressive humor, anyone can use affiliative humor regardless of the degree of relationship.

3. Self-Defeating Humor

Self-defeating humor refers to the type of self-deprecating jokes in which we reprimand ourselves through belittling, undervaluing, or excessive modesty. Above all, this kind of humor has the potential to make positive impressions and build smooth relationships. However, excessive self-deprecation risks the development of low self-esteem and diminished happiness in the person making the jokes. At a glance, it may seem beneficial for you to pose as the main target of humor, because it does not hurt anyone, nor would it risk your relationships. However, we must keep in mind that excessive self-mockery can be destructive, and we should be careful how we use it.

4. Self-Enhancing Humor

Self-enhancing humor is expressed through self-objectification, usually targeting yourself to create humor in a good-natured way. For example, laughing at your own failure is good for health because it can turn potential stress into a positive factor. At a glance, it may sound similar to self-defeating humor, but it differs in the sense that it doesn’t attack self-esteem. Let’s look at an example of humor from the perspective of a person who is not confident about their appearance.

・Self-defeating humor: “I’ve never been complimented by anyone before, but yesterday I went to the hospital with a sprained ankle, and the doctor said, “The arch of your foot is exquisite.” The only thing about me worth complimenting is the arch of my foot!”
・Self-enhancing humor: “I’ve never been complimented by anyone before, but yesterday I went to the hospital with a sprained ankle, and the doctor said, “The arch of your foot is exquisite.” That was my first ever compliment about my foot! I’m glad I sprained my ankle.”

As you can see, self-enhancing humor takes a positive outlook overall.

Self-enhancing humor also requires a certain level of calmness to view things objectively and to gain further insight. This form of stress relief humor also prevents us from losing our minds from hopelessness, difficulties, and failure. Therefore, this kind of humor restores a sense of normalcy and is the most effective form of comedy as a coping mechanism.

Comedy as a Coping Mechanism in Stress Relief Humor

As you can see, there are many different types of humor, but not everyone can use humor effectively. Some people may find it difficult to come up with a witty response on the spot. If so, just engaging in a humorous conversation, environment, or event is sufficient to help us relax and relieve stress.

Many studies indicate that humor is effective in stress relief. For example, nurses at a hospital found that they can alleviate symptoms of delirium (a mental disorder with delusions and hallucinations) by communicating with the patient through humorous gestures. Similarly, humor and comedy have been drawing attention as a coping mechanisms to manage stress and regulate our mental health. Thus, we can simply say or act upon jokes to lighten a situation, reduce stress, and combat depression.

For some, humor is used as an ice-breaker to relieve tension on the first encounter with someone; and for others, simply laughing together with close friends and family can be effective in relieving stress. In other words, there are many different ways we can share what we find humorous, depending on our personalities and culture.

Find Humor in Life Every Day

Laughter is an essential element in maintaining our mental health every day. Moreover, medically speaking, laughter boosts the immune system and can even help prevent physical ailments, including cancer.

Laughter and humor brighten up our lives. Therefore, let’s try to incorporate more humor in our lives – make casual jokes out of your own mistakes, come up with a funny analogy, or try to engage with someone who has a good sense of humor. In this way, regular exposure to humor and laughter will surely help relieve some stress!

If you’re looking for more tips on how to care for your mental health, check out some of our past blog posts!
→ Looking to improve your mental health? Try the SELFMIND app FREE for a week!

References:

Hayama, D., & Sakurai, S. (2005). A Review of the Moderating Effect of Humor on Stress. Tsukuba Psychological Research (30), 87-97

Ishihara, S. (2015). The Effects of Humor Coping with Interpersonal Stress on Psychological Health. Bulletin of Human Science (36), 67-77.

Kunugimoto, N., & Yamasaki, M. (2011). The Effect of Humor Coping with Interpersonal Stress on the Relationship Between Cynical Hostility, Conscious Defensiveness, and Depression. The Japanese Journal of Psychology 82(1), 9-15. doi: 10.4992/jjpsy.82.9
Martin, R. A. (2006). The Psychology of Humor: An Integrative Approach (1st ed.). London, United Kingdom: Academic Press.

Miyashiro, K., & Tomita, M. (2019). The Uses of Aggressive Humor for the Relations with their Friends in College Students. Japanese Cognitive Science Society: 36th Annual Proceedings, 2-25.

Robinson, V.M. (1978). Humor in Nursing. In C. E. Carlson & B. Blackwell (Authors), Behavioral Concepts and Nursing Intervention (2nd ed.) (pp. 191-210). Philadelphia, Pennsylvania: Lippincott.

Tsukawaki, R., Fukada, H., & Higuchi, M. (2011). Process Effects of Expression of Humor on Anxiety and Depression. The Japanese Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 51(1), 43-51. doi: 10.2130/jjesp.51.43

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