The Infant Phase

One of the top moments a parent feels stressed is when we don’t understand what their infant is trying to communicate. This is a phase where we also have to deal with our own insecurities and frustrations of not being a pro parent yet.

・Embrace a Child’s Need to Learn From Their Failures

Typically, once an infant can walk, they start making a mess. Sometimes they won’t even listen to what you have to say, and that can be quite frustrating. Oftentimes we try to discipline them right away, but it’s important that we give the child an opportunity to fail and learn on their own.

For example, if your child insists on only wearing a t-shirt in the freezing cold outside, a natural response is to try and teach them to wear a sweater “because they’ll catch a cold.” However, a child that doesn’t understand this will reject the idea. This kind of small rejection leads to frustration for many parents.

When you want to discipline a child, it’s important that they understand the consequences. Instead of telling them what is wrong or right, embrace a child’s failure so that they can learn. In this case, let the child step outside in a t-shirt once so they themselves understand that more layers are needed.

・It’s Okay if You’re Not the “Perfect Parent”

Parents are role models for the children, but that doesn’t mean we all become perfect people once we’re parents. Regardless, we all try to strive for perfection so that we can meet our ideals of what a parent should be. This can cause stress and frustration. It’s important to let go of perfectionism and be okay with not being the “perfect parent.”

Parental demands can be stressful at times. If you’re feeling stressed, ask for help from a partner or family to take some occasional time off. You are your own person before you’re a parent. You should take good care of your mental wellbeing so that you don’t reach a point of boiling frustration.

Remember that you’re on a growth path together with your children and everyone in the family. That should bring a sense of relief.

・Visualize Near-Future Possibilities

No matter how hard we try, there are still unexpected moments where we feel the mental toll of being a parent. If you feel that your frustration might be pointed unfairly towards your partner or child, try to envision the following things:

• He/she is naughty now, but what are the chances that they grow to become someone incredible?
• What would my child be interested in once she/he enters elementary school?
• Would I be able to share the struggles of being a parent once he/she has their own child?

By visualizing a future, you can get away from the present reality for a while and also use the gained motivation to strive forward.

The Child to Teen Phase

The idea of individuality and independence sprouts between the child to teen phase. The parent needs to adapt to the rapid changes that happen during this phase. Otherwise, there will be lots of repetitive clashes that create frustration on both ends.

・Understand That They Are Different From You

Once a child enters elementary school, they become more and more capable of doing things on their own, and individual personalities start to grow.

If you come off as too overbearing during this phase, it will lead to countless arguments and stress. As your child grows, try to grow your own sense of understandings along with them. A healthy acknowledgment, that your child is a different person from you, will create a good sense of mental relief in keeping a healthy relationship.

・Respect Their Individuality

It’s very important to respect a child’s unique individuality.

For example, if a child wants to do other things than study, you might tell them, “Your future happiness depends on how hard you study.” A child may resent the fact that you took away their passion if you stop them forcefully. The rebellious phase is a tricky phase that can easily escalate to lots of arguments and frustrations.

Each person has their own way to value happiness. Even as a parent, you should be very mindful not to push your own values of what happiness means. If you can show respect to the uniqueness that they hold and try to be their support throughout, parenting will become less frustrating.

・Learn How To Better Manage Anger

Anger management is an important tool to self-control the anger that manifests within. If you feel anger arise, the next few actions can help suppress it quickly and effectively.

• Immediately count to 6 on the spot
• Create physical distance between the cause of your anger
• Recall positive memories from the past
• Take a deep breath
• Cook

These are just a few examples of the actions you can take to steer your focus away from anger.

A university study took 4 pairs of parents and asked them to exercise anger management. Results showed that it gave them a rational perspective on their anger and helped curb frustration.

As a child grows, they will become self-aware and disapprove reactionary anger that comes from a parent. The best attitude and practice to have as a parent is to start from within.

Change Your Outlook To Grow Happier Together

If you tend to feel stressed and overwhelmed from the responsibilities of being a parent, all you need is a little shift in your outlook to reduce some of that stress.

It’s also very important that you learn how to take enjoyable breaks through exercise and hobbies. To learn more about ways to relieve parental stress, check out this other post!

Reference：
Matsumoto, M., & Shibayama, K. (2011). Anger Management for Interpersonal Relationship Improvement. Memoirs of the Faculty of Education, Kumamoto University. The Humanities, 60, 153–162. https://ci.nii.ac.jp/naid/110008750850

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3 Common Reasons of Negativity

According to a study at a university, there are 4 elements that create negative thinking: Regret and Shame, Negative Expressions, Lack of Confidence, and Criticism Towards Others. If we sum it up, the following 3 reasons are the most common triggers for negative thinking.

Severe Long-Term Stress

Stress can be a direct cause of negativity. When we mess up at work/school or can’t perform well, negativity takes over our minds, making less room for positivity to grow. If we surround ourselves with negative people, sometimes we end up being heavily influenced by them too.

Past Traumatic Experiences

Past trauma can impact us in many ways. A person full of optimism and positivity can suddenly change negatively due to shocking incidents. Some people can fall into a negative trap where they can’t believe in anyone after experiencing betrayal from someone they used to trust.

Hormonal Imbalance Due To Poor Lifstyle Choices

A neurological chemical called serotonin has to do a lot with our emotional control and stability. A lack of serotonin not only makes us less energetic, but it can also make us negative too. For your body to properly produce serotonin, a stress-free lifestyle with exercise, a healthy diet, and sunlight becomes crucial. If we can shift our lifestyle with healthier lifestyle habits that promote serotonin, that can push our minds back towards positivity.

3 Reasons Sleep Heals Negativity

Typically, if the cause of our problems is clear, we’d have to fix that first. However, causes such as past trauma or long-term stress cannot be fixed overnight and that can feel like a struggle. Therefore, we advise that you start easy with getting plenty of sleep. In this section, we’ll explain how sleep can heal negativity within our minds.

It Heals the Physical Body and Brain

The brain can rest and condition the body’s hormonal balance when it goes to sleep. A well-balanced hormonal function can fight negativity and build stress resilience towards the incoming negativity we experience.

The body needs to feel energized enough before we start exercising towards a healthy serotonin function. Sleep also helps our whole body restore itself. Without fundamental sleep, it’s hard to make the change we desire.

Leads To Better Lifstyle Habits

A structured sleeping schedule, sunlight, and a healthy diet all contribute towards getting rid of our negativity. A good night’s rest promotes serotonin secretion which helps us back to positivity. Good sleep also helps us stay efficient during the day. Most of us have pulled all-nighters during the weekday only to try and catch up on sleep during the weekends. We can start working on positivity today, just by starting off a healthy sleeping schedule.

Stops The Negativity Loop

Once we fall into a negativity loop our problems seem infinitely larger than what they are. We need to reset our minds so that we can shift gears towards positivity. To easily do this, we recommend sleep.

When we sleep, our thoughts are forced to shut down and we can leave from thinking so much. This gives us the capability to look at things more objectively and calmly when we wake up.

If you have a hard time sleeping, an AI app can help you sort your thoughts through too. Try the SELF MIND app for a FREE trial!
If you’re looking for more tips on how to care for your mental health, check out some of our past blog posts!

Sleep Well for a Healthy Mind and Body

Good sleep nourishes our brain and body while it puts our negative thinking on hold. It’s a necessary step for proper serotonin secretion and the key to stopping the negativity. Next time you feel negative and down, stop what you’re doing and go to bed.

Reference：

Akutsu, Y., Odajima, H., & Miya, S. (2008). Changes of positive and negative affect by a stress task. The Annual Report of the Faculty of Education, Iwate University, 68, 1–8. https://iss.ndl.go.jp/books/R100000002-I000000001712-00

Konishi, M., & Yoshida, A. (2011). Life style and environment that influence serotonin secretion. Journal of Osaka Kawasaki Rehabilitation University, 5, 1–20. https://ci.nii.ac.jp/naid/120006866960

Shiraishi, S., Soma, H., & Shimazu, N. (2016). Characteristics of Japanese automatic thoughts in negative situations. Utsunomiya University Repository, 66(1), 3–12. http://hdl.handle.net/10241/10240

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The Basics of The Four Good Things

This technique is a modified version of the “Three Good Things” method.
You can read more about that in the article below:

In mental health care, keeping a diary is a rudimentary approach to stress-coping. A record of our daily state of mind allows us to see our situation objectively. This also helps us recognize cognitive biases so that we can correct them in the right direction. Given the benefits, it’s a frequently used technique in cognitive behavioral therapy.

The “Four Good Things” method was created by Professor Elaine Fox at the University of Oxford. The use of the diary format through this method effectively relieves stress and steers our thoughts towards a more positive direction. Here is the simple way to do it:

1. Write down one negative thing that happened that day.
2. Write down four positive events.

The positive events can be anything at all, as long as it’s something that makes you feel happy. Here are some examples:

・I was complimented on my work today.
・My family was in a good mood.
・I woke up feeling well-rested.
・The food I ate today was delicious.
・I saw my favorite actor on TV today.

The key is to write down one negative event that happened. In the same way that sprinkling a pinch of salt into a cookie dough can help bring out sweetness, awareness of a negative event will serve as a contrast against the positive. This allows positive events to really shine through to make a stronger impression on the brain.

While there is still little data on this Four Good Things method, Professor Fox’s experiments have confirmed that it has a higher stress-relieving effect than just writing down three good things.

Outshine Negativity With More Positivity

Unfortunately, negative events are more likely to leave an impression in our brains, creating a cognitive bias. For example, let’s say we hop on a train and feel pleased that “the train arrived on time smoothly”. This thought fades away pretty quickly. On the other hand, a negative thought like, “I just missed the train by a few seconds, and now I have to wait until the next one,” will leave a stronger impression on the brain. The stronger the impression, the longer the memory will be retained. Soon, we find ourselves repeatedly experiencing the same feelings every time a similar event happens. As a result, a cognitive bias is created in our minds, leading us to believe that, “I always miss the train by a few seconds. I’m so unlucky.”

In order to avoid creating this bias in our thinking, we need to counteract the impressions of negative events as they occur. Since negative events leave stronger impressions than positive events, counteracting one negative event with one positive event is not enough to achieve our desired outcome. The Four Good Things method aims to eliminate the impact of a negative event by fighting it with four positive events. The idea is simple. Even if something negative happened, if there are even more positive events to remember, the overall impression will turn positive.

If you’re asking yourself, “why am I always so unlucky?” or hold beliefs that, “things just don’t work out the way I want them to,” you may need to correct your own cognitive biases. We can definitely try to increase our stress tolerance and positivity using the Four Good Things.

Throw Away the Negative, Turn to the Positive

The Four Good Things method can potentially eliminate your negative cognitive biases and create a more positive mindset. Give it a try if you want to build a strong mentality to combat stress.

Having a coping mechanism on hand, such as the Four Good Things, keeps our mental health in check. This is just one of the many easy stress-care techniques you can try. Figure out what works for you and get into the habit of practicing. One of the keys to living a healthy and happy life is knowing how to properly cope with stress.

Image：Unsplash
Reference：
Fox, E. (2013). Rainy brain, sunny brain: The new science of optimism and pessimism. London: Arrow Books.

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Make Stress Disappear in 14 Seconds

The Positive Memory method was devised by Rutgers University in New Jersey. It’s a technique that is considered to have a quick and strong effect on relieving stress. The steps are very simple. All you have to do is remember happy memories for 14 seconds. In an experiment, this is all it took for the participants for their stress to start lifting off their shoulders.

In addition, experiments showed that the participants’ cortisol levels were suppressed when the Positive Memory method was practiced. Cortisol is known as the stress hormone that secretes when we feel stress. This means that the Positive Memory method not only makes us feel better but has a scientific basis as to why it relieves stress.

The good memories you pick during this exercise can be anything, given that it’s something that makes you feel happy. Success in the workplace, a fun holiday, a compliment from a friend, etc. It can really be anything, as long as it is a positive memory.

Stock Up on Good Memories

It’s not a bad thing to feel stress in our day to day life. The problem occurs when we avoid dealing with the stress and ignore it. It’s normal for the aforementioned hormone, cortisol, to temporarily increase when we feel stress. But if we leave our stress unresolved, it will eventually trigger a big stress response within.

In recent years, there’s been an uptick of interest in mental health. This has lead to many different mental care methods widely available over the internet. Some of these techniques may be difficult for beginners, and many of them require us to spend a lot of money and time. This might put some people off if they believe it’s too difficult to put into practice. On the other hand, all you need for the Positive Memory method are your good memories. You don’t need money or any special techniques. Moreover, it has been scientifically proven to reduce stress in just 14 seconds. It may be hard to come by another stress care method that is as easy and efficient and this one.

It may be difficult to conjure up good memories when we’re feeling strong frustrations and anxieties. To make things easier, keep a strong focus on the positive events that occur on a regular basis and keep a stock of good memories in mind.

・Write down your positive memories in a notebook or diary.
・Keep an item that has a positive memory attached to it, such as a photograph.

By practicing these things on a regular basis, you’ll remember the good memories more strongly and more quickly, even when you’re in a stressful state of mind.

Recall Good Memories for a Positive Mindset

The Positive Memory method allows you to alleviate negative emotions in a short amount of time, using nothing but your recollection of good memories. Give it a try whenever you feel stressed in your daily life.

Having a coping mechanism on hand, such as this Positive Memory method, keeps our mental health in check. This is just one of the many easy stress-care techniques you can try. Figure out what works for you and get into the habit of practicing. One of the keys to living a healthy and happy life is to properly cope with stress.

→ Looking to improve your mental health? Try the SELFMIND app FREE for 1 week!
If you’re looking for more tips on how to care for your mental health, check out some of our past blog posts!

Image：Unsplash
Reference：
Megan E. Speer，Mauricio R. Delgado
「Reminiscing about positive memories buffers acute stress responses」（Nat Hum Behav. 2017 May; 1(5): 0093）

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What is the Mental Subtraction Strategy?

The Mental Subtraction strategy is a simple self care practice when you’re looking for a way to reduce stress. You imagine a positive memory, something happy or fun that you experienced, and imagine that it never happened. This helps your positive memories stand out.

The positive memory can be anything from a little happy incident to a life-changing event. If you still can’t think of anything, it can be something as basic as being alive. Here are some simple examples:

• I passed the test.
• I found a dollar on the ground.
• I’m in a new budding relationship.
• The weather was great today.

Take notice of the small happiness that occurred in your life and imagine it never happened. Repeating this exercise for 3~5 minutes a day, over the course of 2 weeks, becomes effective in stress relief. Give it a try by first starting at 3 minutes a day for self care and to reduce your daily stress levels.

The Pain of Loss Feels Greater Than Our Gains

The Mental Subtraction strategy is effective because humans are more affected by the pain of losing something over the happiness of gaining something. Experts call this the “Loss Aversion Bias”. It’s pretty much similar to the sunk cost fallacy. As an example, when we have the options of a 90% chance of receiving $10, or a 100% chance of receiving $9, people tend to chose the latter. Both have almost the same expected value, but humans naturally want to avoid the 10% possibility of loss.

The idea behind the Mental Subtraction strategy follows this same logic. We imagine a positive event from the past, and by pretending it never happened, we feel a strong sense of sadness for its loss. This helps us recognize the importance of this positive event, creating a sense of gratitude towards the memory.

An experiment with students at the University of Virginia found that many of the subjects who practiced the Mental Subtraction strategy became more resilient to stress, and continued to maintain a positive mood even a month after the study. Although it can be difficult to get used to, the Mental Subtraction strategy can be a meaningful method of self care to relieve and reduce stress for people whose negative moods tend to linger.

Coping Strategies to Reduce Stress

The Mental Subtraction strategy can be practiced without any special tools, so you can try it out anytime, anywhere. Give it a try the next time you feel a little down or find yourself in a negative mood.

The key to taking care of stress quickly is to have some form of self care or stress relief method on hand. Having a coping mechanism on hand, such as the Mental Subtraction strategy, keeps our mental health in check. This is just one of the many easy stress-care techniques you can try in caring for yourself. Figure out what works for you and get into the habit of practicing. One of the keys to living a healthy and happy life is to properly cope with stress, and finding effective ways to reduce stress.

→ Looking to improve your mental health? Try the SELFMIND app FREE for 1 week!
If you’re looking for more tips on how to care for your mental health, check out some of our past blog posts!

Image：Unsplash
Reference：
Minkyung Koo, Sara B. Algoe, Timothy D. Wilson, and Daniel T. Gilbert
「It’s a Wonderful Life: Mentally Subtracting Positive Events Improves People’s Affective States, Contrary to Their Affective Forecasts」

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