5 Cases of Why People Act Two-Faced

There is no definitive way to determine whether or not a person is acting two-faced. We’ll take a look at a few cases and why people feel the need to keep a front and act separate from how they’re really feeling.

CASE 1: People-Pleasing to Gain Position

There are people that try and please others to gain desired outcomes.

At some point as kids, we all tried hard to please our parents to gain affection or have them buy a toy we wanted. This may still prevail in our actions today when we try to please someone we like to get their attention.

With this kind of situation, a person’s real personality will come out only when they reach their goal. This is why we often hear stories of people who change after they’re “officially together.”

CASE 2: Not Ready to Show Their True Selves

Most people act two-faced when they don’t want others to see who they really are. When we join new communities, we keep our thoughts to ourselves while we try to figure out the social dynamics. No one wants to show how weird they are from the start.

This a natural self-defense reaction we all have. In this case, time will allow the person to show their real authentic selves.

CASE 3: Approaching Things Very Carefully

It’s not always safe to share everything you know. Sometimes, extra information can cause trouble. A person can be acting like someone they’re not to mitigate the risk of getting too involved.

In this case, their careful personality is causing them to act as if they’re two-faced, so it may be hard to draw out their real personalities. If they deem you as “trustworthy” or “a person that’s capable of objective perspectives,” they may naturally come out of their shell to talk to you.

CASE 4: The Desire for People To Like Them

Sometimes we act a certain way so that other people will like us.

If someone is an introvert but is afraid of loneliness, they may act as if they’re an extrovert to feel accepted. In this kind of scenario, a person may feel “fake” because they are trying to be someone they are not.

CASE 5: Past Experiences of Social Difficulties

Some people have past trauma from painful social incidents and this keeps them away from being honest about their feelings. It could be that they’ve opened up to someone before but were betrayed, or their authentic personalities being rejected in the past.

As much as it’s hard to trust others, no one wants to keep up their guard all the time, so these people may open up to you if you sincerely approach them.

How to Build a Relationship With a Two-Faced Person

It makes a difference to know whether a person is consciously or unconsciously acting out. If you want them to be real with you, try communicating in the following ways:

・Consider a Soft and Long-Lasting Dialogue

With the 5 cases above, there seems to be a way to open up people when we invest in a long-term relationship. However, going in too forcefully with long hours of communication will make them nervous.

Be aware that it won’t be easy to break a person’s shell. Rather than going for an hour’s lunch, try a 3-minute friendly greeting every morning. A gradual approach will make it easier for a person to open up.

・Don’t Force Communication

This may somewhat contradict the above point on being active in your approach, but excessive communication can feel alarming for some. It’s a great idea to try and get to know someone, but make sure to keep a distance that’s safe enough for the other person to feel open.

・Show Your Own Vulnerabilities

If the person seems to act because they’re trying to hide their weakness, you can try showing your own vulnerabilities.

In psychology, there’s a term called “Emotional Empathy.” Psychologist and journalist, Daniel Goleman, describes Emotional Empathy as, “when you feel physically along with the other person, as though their emotions were contagious.” When people understand that others have vulnerabilities too, it becomes easier for them to show their own.

Once you establish that it’s okay to be your authentic self, the necessity to keep a front dissolves and allows for a person to be real.

If attempts of communication fail and there’s a need for further assistance, an AI counseling app can help without any restrictions on time schedule or location. It’s an affordable alternative counseling method with a free trial period. Give it a try!
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Build Relationships Slowly For Them to Open Up

There are many reasons why a person might need to act two-faced and it won’t be easy to break their shell. It will take time. Approach them gently as you would approach a feral cat and keep a healthy distance as you do so. Eventually, you’ll reach a place where you can see each other eye to eye and communicate at a closer level.

References：

SAWADA, M. (2014). Balance Between Private and Public Selves : The Annual Report of Educational Psychology in Japan, 53(0), 37–49. https://doi.org/10.5926/arepj.53.37

Tobari, M. (2000). Empathy as a multidimensional construct : A review of research on empathy. The Japanese Journal of Personality, 9(1), 36–51. https://doi.org/10.2132/jjpjspp.9.1_36

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Why Do Some Mom Friendships Feel Stressful?

If you’re feeling stress or anxiety, it’s important that you identify the root cause of it. In this post, we will look at a university study case where they looked into the reasons why people feel stress or anxiety from mom friendships.

A Tendency to Focus On Rumors and Negativity

The social circles of a mom can be relatively small, and rumors can easily get around. Stay-at-home moms can already feel pretty restricted when they’re mostly tied down taking care of family necessities. This creates an environment where stress can easily fester. Mom friendships allow for moms to relate to each other’s stress where they can vent about their daily stress whether it be about family dynamics or parenting.

Of course, there is no problem if you don’t mind listening to gossip and venting about personal problems. However, a university study shows that most people feel stress from these topics.

There are people that like to go around detailing the issues of another person’s household. This creates the fear that you might be targeted one day as a focus for gossip, causing a lot of underlying stress.

Disagreeing With Personal Values and Parenting Styles

You won’t always 100% agree with other parenting styles. You may feel the urge to distance from other parents that can’t or won’t discipline their children, have bad morals, or are too strict. For example, if a parent never disciplines their child, you may fear the influence this may have over your own child, who will observe the behavior. There is also the concern of being grouped in as the “same” with parents that you don’t agree with.

Feeling a Divide Because of Financial Differences

You may feel anxiety from financial differences within a group of moms. It could be from a casual conversation, a birthday party, what school they could afford for their child to attend, or simply just what they wear. Financial differences can cause a feeling of insignificance or general anxiety for what the future holds.

Some moms may have difficulty feeling connected with other moms that are too different in financial values.

How to Deal With Stressful Mom Relationships

Once you’ve established a relationship and social circle, it can be hard to cut ties. Try the following ways to see if you can lighten the stress.

1. Keep A Healthy Distance

If you’re involved in a mom group, cutting ties from the group without warning may not be the best idea. It may make things difficult if a group of moms deems you “unfit for social interactions,” or if you’re in a small community, it can lead to bad rumors and other troubles.

If there are moms that you don’t get along with, we recommend that you create a healthy enough distance by taking note of the points below:

・Always say “Hi”
・If a mom that you dislike talks to you, give a few light friendly responses and then leave
・Don’t agree or disagree with the rumors they spread
・Try not to share anything about your private struggles

2. Find a Hobby to Focus On

Indulging in hobbies has 2 beneficial aspects.

First, you can temporarily escape from the situation that is posing stress. Most of us have experienced situations where we feel gloomy all day from an incident that happened early in the day. Hobbies allow for our attention to steer away from the stress and focus on something that is beneficial for our minds.

Secondly, hobbies create room for new relationships and communities. Let’s say you took walking as a hobby. You may find people who walk the same path every day as you do and become friends with them. A community besides a local mom group will allow room for you to speak your mind freely and gain different perspectives on what they think of your situation.

If you’re a mom with a tight schedule, we recommend simple exercises and reading, something you can work on indoors or outdoors alone. If you’re feeling constrained within a mom group community, you should try indulging in hobbies.

3. Write Down What Stresses You Out

We recommend that you write down your feelings on a piece of paper before you go and vent to other moms and potentially start unwanted rumors.

A Spanish University conducted an experiment and came up with a method called the “Negativity Trash Can.” You write out what you’re feeling onto a piece of paper and then tear it away into the trash. It seems like a menial act but it can reduce stress instantly without any external help.

The Negativity Trash Can method details can be found at the link below.

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Stay Smart in the Way You Handle Mom Friendships

Many mothers that have a hard time socializing with mom groups all struggle through similar stress. We hope that you try some of the tips on this post and find a stress-reducing method that works best for you so that you can create healthy relationships with other moms.

Reference:

Nakayama, M., & Ikeda, Y. (2014). The Relationship between Interpersonal Conflicts and Personality Traits in Friendship between Mothers Rearing Little Children. The Japanese Journal of Personality, 22(3), 285–288. https://doi.org/10.2132/personality.22.285

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